TikTok Trans Dad to Be, Goes Viral Asking for Help to Leave Idaho

Today on Trans Joy Boise, we welcome Asher, a trans local in Idaho whose viral TikTok post about wanting to flee the state with his pregnant wife caught our attention. From growing up in Washington to finding himself stuck in a small, conservative Idaho town, Asher shares the real-life struggles of trying to survive — and eventually escape — a place that feels increasingly unsafe for trans folks.

We dive into:
 🏳️‍⚧️ Trans life in small-town Idaho
 🔴 The rising boldness of anti-trans hostility
 💼 The near impossibility of finding employment as a trans person
 🏡 What it feels like to plan your escape from your home
 🏳️‍🌈 Experiencing joy, safety, and community elsewhere — and dreaming of more

This isn’t just Asher’s story — it’s the story of thousands of trans people who are isolated, unseen, and unsupported in red states across the U.S.

📣 Let's get loud about trans joy, trans safety, and the right to thrive.

👉 If you're trans and trying to hold it together in a hostile environment, this episode is for you.

💬 Drop a comment to show Asher some love or share your own story.

 🔔 Subscribe for more real, raw, and joyful conversations about trans life in Idaho and beyond.

🎧 Listen on: Spotify | Apple | YouTube | Amazon | Buzzsprout
💖 Support Asher & his Family: TikTok | Go Fund Me 

#TransJoyBoise #TransVoices #TransLivesMatter #AsherStory #TransInIdaho #QueerPodcast #TransPodcast #TransTikTok #LGBTQ2SIA+ #EscapeRedStates #TransSafety #TransCommunity #TransRights #TransVisibility #TransIsBeautiful #TransJoy #IdahoTransLives #TikTokTrans #FreedomToBe #TransMigration #QueerResilience #PodcastWithPurpose 🎧🏳️‍⚧️

Transcript

Bonnie Violet: 0:00

Hi everyone. How's it going? I'm Bonnie Violet, trans femme, genderqueer spiritual drag artist, digital chaplain.

Pacey: 0:05

And I'm Pacey trans masc non-binary mental health and recovery advocate

Bonnie Violet: 0:09

and welcome to Trans Joy Boise podcast, where every story, laugh and act of joy is a stand for our community.

Pacey: 0:15

We uplift bold voices, share real experiences, and celebrate trans lives thriving.

Bonnie Violet: 0:20

Tune in, connect and spread the joy because trans joy is

Pacey: 0:24

Unstoppable!!!. Yes. Yeah. Nailed it that time. That's a challenge. I know, right? 23 episodes in, but we're getting it. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah. Awesome. And we have a guest here today. We have Asher. I had, um, saw Asher on TikTok, uh, just a couple days ago and reached out to them and. We'll learn a little bit more about Asher in a second, but do you wanna introduce yourself a little bit? I Asher, um, I am local here to Idaho, and, um, yeah, I don't really know what else to say about myself. I'm, I'm born. That's, no, that's, that's okay. And so, um, yeah, with, so I saw you on TikTok and, um, just like flipping through TikTok and then I saw you being like, Hey, help, you know, like, my wife's pregnant. I wanna get outta Idaho. Yes. And I was like, okay, you're in Idaho. So that caught my attention, of course. And then I kind of listened to it a little bit and then I think I checked back. I don't know, it was like, it seemed like it might've been the same day, or it might've been just a couple days later. And then I saw that there was an update and it looked like you'd been having some pretty positive response. And so that got me thinking I should reach out to you. A lot of folks in our area and all across the country and even places outside of the us. Are at this point where they're feeling like they need to leave home. And that's happening for a lot of different reasons. And many of us don't have the privilege or the ability to leave home even if we wanted to or felt like we needed to, regardless of how dangerous or how, you know, unsafe we were feeling. Right. And so we kind of wanted to hear a little bit more about kind of that. So like what kind of caused you to decide to, should I No, you're fine. Oh my gosh. Oh, I forgot to turn off all the do not disturb bull crap. Um, yeah. So where's my phone?'cause that's gonna keep making the noise too. I have no idea. So sorry about that. You're good because that's actually what I heard more. I think so unprofessional. Alright, little crop shot. Alright, so we'll cut that out obviously. So, um, love to hear a little bit about kind of like, I think I do wanna get into the decision that kind of got you. To decide to move, but just tell me a little bit like, are you from Idaho where you kind of grew up? Tell me, tell us a little bit about your originally, I'm from Washington actually. Okay. And I grew up there in a little ghetto town and I moved here like five years ago to be with my sister who now lives in Oregon. Um, and yeah, I just kind of got stuck here. Tried to move a couple times, but it just didn't end up working out. But yeah, I've been here for a while and have just been slowly. Things have just got started to get a little more, not safe, I guess, and people a little bolder. Mm-hmm. About where they stand on things. And the town I live in is really small and very red. And so finding a job, there's really hard, I've only worked at like three places in that town because they'll like me until they see my id, and then I don't hear from them ever again, you know? Mm-hmm. And so it's a little. I don't know. It's a little weird. Yeah. Yeah. And how long have you been been in Idaho? Five years. Since 2019. Okay. Awesome. And, uh, what was it that kind of caused you to finally say, that's it, I need to try to get outta here. How long have you been trying? Um, it's been about a year of us trying to plan to get out. Um, let's see, the. I would say probably just the people getting a lot bolder. Like we, we will go to, we don't really go out and do anything. Like we don't have friends, we don't go out into the movies or anything like, just'cause it's not safe. And people will say things or like, sometimes they'll come up and just like try and talk and it's like, I'm not very big, I'm a little guy, so not trying to get, you know, beat up. But, um, yeah, just that. And then. Trying to find a job here is just so impossible. And then they don't treat you very well anyway. Mm-hmm. So it's like, eh. Yeah. So it's kind of the combination of not feeling safe where you're at, having to be isolated and alone because of where you live. And in part, like getting connected with community and then that feeds into the ability of like getting a job, which then makes it even more difficult to pay for your rent and handle the things you need. So it all just kind of like feeds into itself. Just makes it that much more difficult. I don't think people understand that sometimes who aren't trans. All the little like, oh, I've realized it might be difficult in this way, but it makes it difficult in every aspect of your life. Yep. Yeah. It bleeds into everything. Everything. Exactly. Absolutely everything. Yeah. Yeah, so it's, it can be really difficult to be like, I don't know, like being in an environment that's hostile, but I have a great job. You know? I mean, I think some folks might, this boss doesn't dead name me. Yeah. And there are some, I think there are some places, but it is a little bit more harder to think. I think to kind of get into that for a lot of folks, for sure. Yeah. Yeah. I think so. It's, God, I'm thinking like 2019, when you came here, things were so different. I mean, things were so different six months ago, you know? Yeah. And it's like, it feels so unreal the things that we're dealing with now, because like we've talked about it so many times that like even, you know, a year ago if I was thinking about things that are happening now, I'd be like, no. No way. Like that would even be poorly written in a movie because that's so dystopian and fucking cruel and outlandish. But now, like that's not reality. And I think that facing that reality and every facet of your life that is affected by being trans, I think that we're definitely at this pivotal moment for a lot of people where it's like, well, when do we leave? Mm-hmm. And I think for us, like we were just in Washington DC for an event, and for me. It blew my mind to be somewhere that was so accepting. Like there was a neighborhood with like businesses that were queer and it was one of those towns that has like the, this DuPont, yeah, yeah. Like the rainbow crosswalks. That's, and like the flags. We went to a restaurant that was queer, like a whole ass restaurant that was Fuck gay. Yeah, it was gay as shit. Like we walked in there and we had just left a different neighborhood that was very not, and as soon as we stepped in, we were just kind of like. I was a little nervous that this guy, because he is like, Hey bitches. And I was like, okay, we're out there. We're in the right place. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because the Abraham before it was actually the opposite, where like there was actually like a fight that was about to maybe break out and it was actually related to like one of the, one of the folks within the group was a stud, and the cis girls were like not happy about it, not having it at all. And so then the others were like sticking up for them and it was this like. And we thought, oh shit, we, we'd actually gotten out in the wrong. We thought we were in a different place than we were. So we were in the wrong neighborhood. Not in the sense that it was like a sketch neighborhood. Actually, I thought it was a little too,'cause I was, I was like, I'm not in, I'm not in Boise. I'm gonna wear my, I'm gonna wear what I can't wear here. There. Right, right. And so like, I have this like netted shirt. That I don't wear a bra with. I just have like little cups or whatever and so you can, it doesn't look like I'm topless, but it's kind of like this cool little, and so I was wearing that, but we were like in this neighborhood with like families and like it was just, I'm like, it was a lot. This is not DuPont. Exactly. Yeah. And then we got to the other neighborhood and it was like super, completely different experience. Yeah. That's so cool. But then like coming back here in comparison to that, it's like. It's, it's like going back in time. But I feel like I've said if there's anything that I could bring back from that experience in DC to Idaho in particular or other red states, is it isn't like this everywhere because I thought that it was, I thought that all of like the anti-trans, you know, laws and bills that were coming through, I thought that that was happening everywhere. And it is to some degree, right? Yeah. But it's not as fucking shit kicking red. As it is here. Like there are other places where it feels like progress is not only possible, but like easy. Yeah. And it's like, so coming back here, it's like, why? Why? Like why, why are we living like this?'cause and I, there are so many reasons why we're staying. Right. But it makes it even more understandable of wanting to leave. Yeah. To like go somewhere where not only would you be able to live there comfortably, but you would be celebrated. Right. You know? So I totally get wanting to get outta here for that reason. Yeah, definitely. Definitely. Which was a bummer coming back too. But yeah, it was so cool to be in a place that was that accepting. It was really cool. In that aspect, I still always like, yeah, it's like, yay gay in a lot of places. Mm-hmm. I still wonder how the trans stuff is, you know? Yeah. And it seems like still good, like those spaces are still typically okay. They're not hostile, at least for trans people. Yeah. It might not be as accepting as you might. Like, or whatever. And we felt there, we felt fine. There not, not a problem at all. Yeah. Um, but I, but I, but also in relation to that, not to make it about our recent trip, but they were doing this like monument, kind of like the AIDS quilt, where they brought, um, 250 panels from across the country. There was over a thousand trans people and allies who made these panels. Wow. And they were displayed out on the, the wash in the. The Capitol park there and the mall there, and they put'em out in, they're like pink, blue and white. And it said, freedom to be. And it was really cool. Idaho brought 24 panels, which was about 10% of all the panels that were there. Wow. Which was like really awesome to see. And we were, I was excited to be like, okay, we're gonna go out there. Idaho did 24. I'm like, I can't fucking wait to like see what other states did and like, and we were like, we like did the most. Wow. Like, and we were like the most. Yeah, it was like, they're like, oh, in Idaho they did this and blah. And we're like, okay. And that's cool. But I'm also like, where are all the other, you know, I'm like, if we did 24 then why didn't California and Texas and you know, some of these other places do more. But I think, I think part of it is, is I think that we just happen to be the right size. That there is a lot of really difficult things for trans people right now in Idaho, but there's a lot of people that are kind of stepping up. So, yeah. And trying to do stuff, I think our resources are still really limited, so the things we can do is like maybe show up, like be in the same space with one another. Yeah. It's not too much of like helping with houses and rent and even accessing gender affirming care all that much. Right. But we're at least like, I dunno, I feel like we're at least mobilizing a little bit, whereas I think that there's just some of the other parts of the country, it's not as urgent. Mm-hmm. Yeah. I'm not sure that's, yeah. But it, it is. Urgent here. Yeah, it totally is. Which feels so unfair. We have to respond. Yeah. We can't just like, so while you guys are planning to leave, like are you, where are you trying to, well are you headed to a, a bluer state, Oregon or Washington's the goal for sure. Just'cause those are like trans safe states. And then there's some towns, um, in Washington. Specifically that are like ary states. Yeah. Isn't that Tacoma one of'em? Yep. Yeah. Heard. Yep. They like just became one. Mm-hmm. And so trying to get somewhere over there just'cause it'd be so much easier to like make, like meet people. Like we have three friends here in Idaho.'cause people suck, like, and you never know. And so it's just kind of like, uh, but yeah, try and go somewhere that we could. Freeze our kid and not have to worry that we're gonna have her taken from us because someone found out I'm trans. You know, like, or I don't know. That's so terrible. You never know. Yeah. Well I think that's another aspect that we maybe haven't talked about too much, but it's you and your wife and your soon to be baby, right? Yes. So I'm sure that played a little bit more of an element than just like. Very much it was just you. Yeah, definitely. Probably would've taken longer if it was just me, but I worry for like them and just putting them in a situation like being at the hospital and having to worry about like how they're gonna treat us there. Like, shouldn't have to worry about that. We're at a hospital, like she's gonna have a baby, but, and just, yeah, not knowing if like CPS is gonna get involved because they don't, you know, agree, support it or whatever. Mm-hmm. You know, and then just nitpicking everything, so. Mm-hmm. It's just. Yeah. Trying to get somewhere that we don't have to worry about that. No.'cause they're trying to make it in other states where it is considered like child abuse. Yep. Um, more so of if like you are allowing your, your child to, to access gender affirming, affirming care, things like that. But I feel like it isn't too far out of the realm of possibility that, you know, being a trans parent. Yeah. Could be considered abusive. And I know that it feels like, anyway, Idaho takes a lot of cues from the deep, deep red, like Florida and Texas. Yes. So I feel like yeah, it's smart to kind of get a jump on that because I think this next legislative session is gonna be really aggressive. Yeah. And, and if we look at like history, granted gays and lesbians are a lot more accepted now, but they used gays and lesbians used to lose their kids. Yeah. You know, I have a cousin who lost her kid. Like years ago. My god. In my little hometown. Really? Yeah. So, um, so yeah, and it was just because she was a lesbian, like she was divorced, all that sort of stuff, then was a lesbian and she lost her kids. That's terrible. Yeah. So I think it's definitely reasonable concern to have, I am to miss my best friend's wedding. Um,'cause they live in Texas and I couldn't go'cause I, they have a kid. And I was worried that if we were out somewhere or someone saw that and reported it, their kid would get taken. And it's like, I can't put them in that situation, but like, and I don't want to put my, my wife or my kid in that situation. Yeah. Like yeah. I think that's the thing that's sometimes that I think is a lot of people don't understand is like our transness and like we can be like cool with our transness and we could still like show up to that wedding anyway. Right. But I think there's also an element of like, trying to manage other people's Yeah. That what could happen to other people because of what? Because of, of me. Who we are. Who we are. Yep. That's like a whole nother layer.'cause I've had, I've missed my niece's birthday because they were having it outdoors at a public pool. And I was like, I don't want to like, I just don't want there to be any sort of drama. I want this little girl to have her fourth birthday. You know what I mean? Without any sort of like issue. Could I deal with somebody being crazy? Yes. But I don't want her to have to see that or have anything to do with that. So I think that's just a whole nother layer that I don't think people really like think about. Definitely. It's so dystopian to even talk about like all of these things. It feels like a poorly written, dystopian futuristic novel. Like, like Henman's Handmaid's Tale. Yeah. Yes. Because when I, so I read that book in 2016. And like right after Trump was elected and I was reading it and I was like, this is a little farfetched. Mm-hmm. Like it's really, I love murder Atwoods prose. Like the it, the writing was just so beautiful. So like that got me through some of the parts where I was like, really? And then when I started, I watched the show late and I watched it after the insurrection had happened. Mm. So when people would ask me like, what is this about? I would describe it as. Oh, it's what would've happened if the insurrection had been successful. Oh. And now I'm watching it. And it's like they took notes from the Handmaids. Yeah. So it's like this, this show, this story has completely evolved with our administration from like something that was so farfetched to something that is actively happening. Right. And I hate that. Well, and it's partly a part of the playbook that the Nazis in Germany did. Mm-hmm. And that the Nazis in Germany took from. The US and our Jim Crow stuff. And like, so it's like, it's not, it's not a new playbook, it's just a different target group reputation. Right? Yeah. Or a smaller subset.'cause a lot of us were always part of the group. You know, there were queers and trans people who were harmed. Yeah. Um, you know, within like Germany and all of that. And, um, we didn't, it wasn't talked about as much in the same ways, but we were, and I think it's just the groups getting smaller and smaller. But, but it's always been us. Yes. To some degree. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Well, when we were in DC I was talking to the other person that went with us mm-hmm. About, you know, about this very thing. Like, when is it time to leave? Like, what would be my personal line in the sand? Right. And we were talking about that theirs was, you know, really realistic. Um, what would you consider yours? To be, it would probably be the fact that like, I can't go to a doctor's office without being added to every single person there. Like I've sat in an office waiting to be called back and I hear the people at the front desk talking about me. About what? Like what it is, you know? And it's like, oh wow. Yeah. It happens a lot, especially in the town we're in and like knowing that my wife. Having the baby, like if something were to go wrong, there's nothing they legally or medically will or can do. Like they just won't. And it's either just because of the laws or just'cause they don't want to. Mm-hmm. And it's kind of a, like that's people's lives like, like Exactly. And they have that law or where now it's like if you're a healthcare provider, you can refuse to give treatment. Yeah. Not in like emergency settings, but still. Uh, if you don't believe in someone's identity or whatever. And that goes all the way down to even like pharmacists. Yep. You know, so there are all these people that can look at you and be like, oh, uh, that goes against my religion, or whatever the fuck, like bigoted reason they have, and then just choose to like, make your life really difficult. Yep. And I feel like that's a really good line to have, you know, that's just like having fucking. Um, integrity and value in yourself. Mm-hmm. To like, not want to put up with that bullshit. Yeah. So what do you, what's your line? Oh, lord. Uh, I have three. Okay. And it was back when, you know, years ago, which was actually just like a couple months ago, and I was thinking, okay, my lines are gonna be, if there are camps, if there's martial law. And if we have to start wearing identifiers. Mm-hmm. And I feel like the camps are already happening. They are. And you know, in, they just haven't Right. They're just in other countries. Yeah. And, and they haven't said trans people. Not yet. Yeah, exactly. So the camps are happening, but just not for us yet. Right. And the martial law thing, I feel, is already, it's within a hundred miles of around the border and. And that makes it dicey.'cause it's like, can you really just instate it in one spot and not for the whole I, I don't know. And then the identifiers, I feel like. That's on its way. A hundred percent. I really do like the bathroom laws. Like Yeah. I don't go to the bathroom without my, like my service dog because I am not safe. I don't feel safe. Yeah. I take him with me everywhere'cause people leave me alone. Yeah. Like, they're like, I would like dog sick. Yeah. Yeah. For real. Don't fuck him up. Feel like the identifiers are already there though. Yeah.'cause we're not allowed to have our paperwork certain ways. Or if we, if our like, like my, my. My IDs don't have body violet on them. Right. You know, so like already at that, I'm already outed, right? Mm-hmm. As a trans person. And so I think to some degree that's an outing. Yeah. I know It's like a different level than like a stamp or like a patch or something on my body. But I mean, but also like, I look like, I feel like I look like a trans person most of the time, so it's like, you know what I mean? So it's like it's, it's always out there, but yeah. And they want to like mark. The like passports and birth certificates that have been changed. So that's totally an identifier. Like if you look at someone's passport and it has a mark or a code or something that says they changed their gender marker, it's like, okay, that's a fucking identifier. And you're right. I think that that's, that absolutely counts. I think in my mind I was just thinking more of like the, you know, like you have to wear this color patch if you are supposed to use the women's room or like some bullshit like that. Right, right. Because. What we've seen with the bathroom, like bounty laws, they don't know how to enforce it. Yeah. And the hearings like, we're like, how are you going to enforce it? And they're like, uh, and they don't know they hadn't. It is like, I want to believe that they just hadn't thought that far out. But there's also the possibility that they have thought that far out. They're just not ready to like start talking about it yet. Mm-hmm. And that shit really scares me. Yeah. But it's like two of my three have already been crossed and I'm still here. Mm. So, yeah, I don't know. What about you? I, it's really hard. I think right now I feel like I'm not leaving anywhere until my mom dies. Yeah. And only because she's really ill right now. Like she's probably got a year or two more and like, I just don't, I don't know. I feel like it would take a lot for me to like leave my mom. Yeah. And I haven't really thought specifically what that looks like. I mean, I've even went to the point of like my partner. Moving away and me not going with him. Yeah. You know, so, and to me I feel like that's a, yeah. You know, that's something I don't want to have to do, but, you know, it's something I've thought about, but I haven't really thought too critically about like, what's my trans specific line? Yeah. That's gonna cause me to, to go. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, that's fair. I think in my mind, I just assumed that I would make my mom. Go with me, so, well, there's like, there's that. Yeah. Yeah, there's that, I guess. But I, it feels,'cause when we're here, everything feels so dire and like it is going to happen. This horrible shit is right on top of us. But somewhere blue, like when you guys leave, I feel like it's not going to feel as imminent. Mm-hmm. Yeah, because that was the vibe that I had the whole weekend was like, oh, we have a chance. Yeah. You know, like we have people hope. Yeah. There's hope. People are actively fighting for us. Yeah. And it didn't seem as bad, but like when you come back here, it's just like, that's all you can really think about. The world's on fire. Yeah, definitely. So and so it really sounded like, like once you were gonna become a dad had to deal with the hospitals and that sort of stuff, it really became like, this is not okay. Yeah. Just putting my family at risk, putting an innocent kid at risk, like mm-hmm. And my wife, like, they're not, it's not their fault. Like, you know what I mean? Like, it's not, it's, it's just messed up. And it's not like your fault either. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? Like you're just a trans person. It's other people's shit. Just trying to Yeah. Totally understand. And kind of, uh, Pacey kind of alluded to the fact that you're getting outta here. Do you want to talk to us a little bit about the fact that you're gonna get out of here and what you needed to do to make that happen? Yeah. Um, I made a GoFundMe. It like took a little while. I was just posting on Facebook for a while and like Instagram, but I wasn't, I was just getting a lot of negative response on there. Okay. Like what I was ending up on, like the wrong side of that stuff. So a lot of transphobic, like, you should just stay there. Like, why are you even doing, like, you're, you're lying. All this stuff. And I'm like, uh. Alright, so I ended up going to TikTok mm-hmm. And made videos on there and it took about a week before I made one that actually got some traction and it blew up. It was crazy. It was like overnight, um, that just so many people have from all over the world have donated and have like, supported us and given us ideas and like good places to go and not so safe places to go. Mm-hmm. And it's been really. Crazy. Like it was incredible. It was crazy. I did not expect it have to happen at all. Like, but um, yeah, the, the positive response on there has been mind blowing. Do you wanna tell us a little bit about what your plan is? What you feel comfortable with saying? Yeah, we're um, just trying to, right now finding a place, a house that we can like rent out.'cause we do have our dog and then a couple cats. And then obviously the baby. Yeah. Uh, just, yeah. Trying to find something in one of the, those two blue states and one of the blue areas. Um, so we can, I can transfer my job over to wherever it's, we end up going. Gotcha. Um, and kind of starting over basically that'll be, and you're gonna be able to transfer your job. Yeah. It's gonna be okay. Yeah. Should be. That's good. That's lucky.'cause that's, if not find something close enough, you know? Right. Yeah. I think it'll be really exciting. Like it sucks having to leave. Right. Yeah. And I think that there are a lot of people that feel upset or I don't know, guilt, whatever, weird. Like whatever thing they're feeling about having to leave or wanting to leave. I think it's also really exciting and it's gonna be a really cool opportunity to start over. You know? Definitely like you get to live. F your truth in a place that is more accepting. Mm-hmm. And you don't have to constantly be worrying about things that you shouldn't have to be worrying about. You know, that's, I think that's really fucking cool. Totally. And you said potentially Washington, and in the beginning you said you were from Washington. Yeah. Is there a past, is there a possibility to kind of move back? Near with your family or is that not a Um, my family's, uh, sadly very transphobic trans. Yeah. Um, they're not supportive at all. And so they, it's just kind of been us, you know? Yeah. Just, yeah. No, I get, I get it. Yeah. Many of us get it, unfortunately. Yeah. Yeah. Not so fun, but either way, you're gonna get to go to somewhere. Yes. And I know you've been kind of like, I think part of that, from what I was listening in some of the videos too, it's like, just talk about like. A mobile home or buying a place, or renting a place like, or whatever. Trying to just find, yeah, just whatever options we can. I've messaged quite a few people. It's just a lot of people don't wanna wait until like, I don't know, we're able to get there or whatever. You know? Or they don't want, they don't want to do it because we live so far away and we can't be there to, you know, do all of the stuff in person. And it's just people don't respond very much. Sense. Yeah. What do you, what do you think your timeline is? When do you think You'all are gonna be able to leave? July 1st or the first week at least is our goal For sure. That's, that's coming out around the corner. Yeah. So they don't have to wait that long. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. I'm like, I'm willing to pay you. Right. It's crazy. I'll send you some money. We'll figure out when we get there. Right. Oh wow. Literally, that's gonna be a, a cool time to move. Especially like if you, if you do go to Washington,'cause it's gonna be nice weather. It's gonna be beautiful. You go to the beach. Right now on Pride Month, have you been able to connect with any of the, there are like some groups that maybe are a little more underground, that are kind of helping people relocate. Have you been able to connect with any of those? I've reached out to a few of'em. Um, I have, I've never really heard back from most of'em. Yeah, I did. We did attempt the one to try and get to like Canada. Um, but then I got an email just saying that our situation wasn't dire enough and so Okay. It was. Yeah. Just either never responded or was just yeah. Told that it wasn't, it wasn't enough. We have a couple of connections I wanna try to connect you with. Okay. Afterwards, I won't say it online here, but like, um, that might be able to help with maybe even if it's just like if you find a city or place you want to go that might be able to help you once you land there Right. Or that sort of thing. Um, so I think we have a couple of folks that I think we could probably connect you with. That'd be awesome. Mm-hmm. For sure. Um. But, you know, I don't know. I think that's part of the challenges is like we do hear a lot of these things about support for trans people, but then to be able to actually get that get into it Yeah. Can be really, uh, difficult. Very. Yeah. Yeah. That's really cool. I'm excited for you. Thank you. Me too. And I know like, uh, how have you been doing with the, the bad responses that you've been getting on social media? Has TikTok been bad? As well? Or has it been Mostly just all, sometimes some, you know, you get your trolls, but for the most part it was Facebook that people would just message me and like, Facebook is awesome. Be like, we don't want your mental illness here. And I'm like, okay. They don't want you either, but you know. Mm-hmm. It is what it is. Like there's always gonna be haters, you know? Right. Oh yeah. Well, I mean, even on TikTok, there's like, our algorithm is good. But there's a whole other side, that algorithm that's fucking terrible. Like all these maggots with like their Republican makeup and their fucking red hats and their bigotry and fucking whatever else. They're like, God knows, right? Yeah. And sometimes, and I feel like it's not that they just accidentally fall into our algorithm. It's either like some searches that they're doing that they don't tell people about that puts'em on our side, or they're looking. To just be hateful. Yep. And it's easy to like put in the search bar, whatever they're looking for and land on our content. Yeah. And that's draining. Yeah. You know,'cause these people, they don't, they're not there in, in good faith. They're not trying to learn, they're not trying to have a dialogue with you. They're just there to spread hatred and ignorance. Yeah. Complete strangers. Yeah. It's like, it's fucking exhausting. Yeah. And I don't. I still,'cause I get that like every fucking day and I still, there are some that I'm just like, it can ruin my entire day. Yeah. Which is silly'cause you're like, this is a fucking random complete stranger. Stranger on like, maybe the other side of the country and I'm letting it get to me. But it's hard not to when it's like something so deeply personal about you. Yeah. It's, it's normal. We all, we take in everything that's around us. Mm-hmm. You know what I mean? So whether it's positive, negative, or what we have to. Take that in some way somehow. And there's only so much of like repellent that you can, you know? Yeah. You still have to trans transform it into something and that takes exactly some effort. Yeah. Yeah. And if you're in a, in a way, some days I feel ugly and if somebody online tells me I'm ugly, I'm like, it's gonna hurt. Yeah, exactly. And I'm feeling, and I'm feeling good. You can't tell me shit. But if I'm like not in the right head space and I read that shit, it's just gonna feed right into, it's like, you're right. I know. Yep. It's like, yeah, I am. Mm-hmm. Thank you. Right. Yeah. Yeah. No, you're right. I, it's like I have a certain amount of like bullshit tolerance. Mm-hmm. And then it wears down, it wears down, it wears down, and then finally, like the dumbest thing can break through it. And I'm like, and that's usually when I'm like, okay, I need to take some time away. Yeah. And sometimes I, I allow my, I tend to not be like someone who responds back to people, but every now and again, I have to, yeah. Like it just. But they'll just hit something just right and I'll be like, and you're like, yeah, no, I get it. My fucking partner does that. And I'm like, you're gonna get, you're gonna upset yourself. Mm-hmm. And I'll, every once in a while, I'll look and I'll see them just like curled up on the couch, just feverishly typing. And I'm like, why? Why? Because, and they will go through the posts.'cause some of the, I think memes or things that I've shared, they have like 20,000 likes or whatever. So like there's a. Buttload of like horrific comments on there. And they'll go through and they'll just like start these intense, and like, my partner's really fucking smart, like really good at debate, all of these things. And I'm like, I, this is a really well articulated, like, thought out point that you have, but this person's just gonna be like, ha gay or whatever. And it's like, and then they get upset by it. And I'm like, you just, you can't, it's not worth it, you know? Yeah. But it is, it's sweet. Yeah. But I know that it's just like, they just wanna protect you a little bit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But you just can't, you can't argue with these people. Yeah. And sometimes, I don't know, I could tell you about some of the conversations off of this'cause, you know. Yeah, yeah. A little bit. So, um, there are other folks that are probably in a similar situation that you're in. Is there anything that you would. Do you have any suggestions or messages to them? Mostly just not to give up hope. Like, I don't know. I reached a point where I pretty much had before I got to went to TikTok and had that response.'cause I was just like, I'm literally begging at this point'cause I can't do it by myself. Like, and I know there's so many, like so many people are in the same position, they can't financially support. Like be able to do it or their job won't let them do it, or their family, you know, something, something's stopping them and it just not to give up hopee that it can't happen. And also not to give up hopee that the police that you're at can't get better. Right. Like, it can, it can and it should one day like, but it's just being able to wake up every day and do that. Right. And can you give us a sense of how long it's taken you? To get to where you can, like since you started to where you can leave, man, we've been trying to leave since we got together and it's been almost three years, so, okay. Yeah, I think that's important for people to understand too, that this wasn't like, not overnight, you just woke up one day and you were like, okay, I don't wanna be here anymore. I'm gonna get on TikTok, I'm gonna raise Yeah. Quite a bit of money and I'm just gonna bounce. Right? Yep. Yeah, so I think I just, and I, so I think that's really great that you said that too, like keep up the hope, like. It took you three years to get to this point. And I will say that I think your video, you know, you might have just posted it in in six days and it was like, but you had to one, get to TikTok and by the time you got to TikTok, like your, your desperation, your emotions came through very clearly in that video. And it probably took you three years of like really struggling and trying everything to get to that point. Definitely. I, I tried to stay. Yeah. No, I feel for you. I feel that, I feel for you that that's been your experience. Um, and I'm so happy that you are getting an opportunity for you and your family to go and have a new and better experience and experience that you deserve and that we all deserve. You know what I mean? Definitely. Yeah. And that's partially really why I want to do up beyond here so that people could see that, um, what's possible. And that what it might look like or sound like, um, to be struggling and then, and then to get, choose to get away.'cause I think a lot of people also feel guilty Yes. That they get to leave. Has, is that anything? You've definitely can talk a little bit about that. Yeah. I, I have so many friends here who are trying to do the same thing. They're all trying to get to Washington and it sucks because, you know, like, it's like we were blessed with this and. And they're not in that same position. Mm-hmm. Like, they're still struggling and it's like, it's hard. It's hard because I want to help all of them. I wish I could, you know, I wish I could just take up everyone with me, but like, I can't, and I just, I don't know. It's hard to separate yourself from that a little bit because it's just, it's like I care about them so much and I want'em to be safe. Yeah. Because they're in the exact same shit, but yeah. Like, well, and I think in other ways they might choose to see what you're doing and see that it can happen for them too. Yeah. You know, so it doesn't have to be like, oh, they get to go on. I'm stuck here. I mean, that's an attitude somebody could have about it. Definitely. Right? Mm-hmm. Um, and that's reasonable and okay. Or whatever. Or they could see what you did and the luck or however way you want to like craft it or label you're getting to go. Right? Right. And so they know it's possible. Yes. And I think that's just as important. And I know people, when people ask me like if I should go or you know, stay or those sorts of things, there's definitely that idea of like guilt or something. You know, it's just like, don't feel guilty. If you can go out and have a different and better experience for yourself, go freaking do it. Right. You know what I mean? Like if you wanna go for whatever reason, you could wanna go because like. You can get surgeries and you wanna get pretty, and like, you know what I mean? Like, I don't care. Right. If that's drawn the goal, you know, like there's no, no need to feel guilty or bad about it. We only live once and there's no reason and there's nothing like powerful or there's nothing more to, because what you stayed here and suffered like right. There's mm-hmm. There's nothing earned by that necessarily. If you choose to fight here and like, like that's a whole nother thing too, and it's just like. I think the thing that's most important is like, you do what you need to do for you and like you and your family now. Yeah. You know what I mean? Definitely. Like, and kind of move and move from there. Like I, I hope that more and more people leave that, um, have even an inkling to go. Yeah. Because I think regardless of like transness or not, we were talking about another person who's moving away earlier. Mm-hmm. And I was like. I would tell a 20-year-old to move to San Francisco anyway. Who grew up here? Yeah. Like regardless of the situation. Especially a trans person, right? Mm-hmm. Um,'cause you can always come back home. Now there's all these extra layers of like, you know, our livelihoods are very restricted and things are different here, so of course get the heck out, you know? Yeah. So, but I think outside of what's happening in the world, I'd still be like, yeah, go. Yeah, you can always come back. Definitely. You know what I mean? Yeah. People move all the time. Totally. Yeah. But I think when you're young or you've always been in the same place, or you have like your group of people that you feel really good around, it's hard to just like get up and go. And I think that's the other challenge that you have is like, okay, I'm gonna leave and maybe I'm gonna have access to gender affirming care. I'm not gonna, I'm gonna feel safe walking down the road. Mm-hmm. But am I gonna be able to make friends? I'm gonna have to make new friends again. Am I, you know,'cause that takes time. Yeah. You know, so it's like, it's that, what, what's, what's more important or what is it that I need now to nourish me and make me feel good? Do I need, do I need to feel safe when I'm on the street? Or I need to be close to my friends? Right. And it's, it's different for all of us at different times of our lives. People can be weird about it too. I remember I had a conversation a while ago with someone who, they weren't trans, but they're queer, and I was talking about wanting to leave. This was. Over a year ago, so before the march, before any of that. Mm-hmm. And they said in a way that I couldn't tell if it was intentional or not, but they said, oh, well I wouldn't just leave. I'm gonna stay here and fight. Mm. And it was so dismissive in the way that they said I wouldn't just leave. And I was like, I shouldn't have to be on the front lines. Fighting this thing when there are other ways that I would rather be fighting. Yeah. Like I'm gonna be going to law school. I wanna be on the front lines from within and trying to be challenging these laws. Right. That doesn't make it any less important or valid. Mm-hmm. Like we all are fighting this thing in the ways that we have the capacity for, and they're all just as important and vital as the last. Yeah. It takes all of it, you know, it takes all of it. Right. Exactly. So I think, you know, maybe there's a sense of. Of jealousy that some people can't leave and like that's how they're, you know, justifying it to themselves. Mm-hmm. Like, oh, well I don't need to leave'cause I'm strong enough to stay in fight. And it's like, we need that, but we also need everything else. Yeah. I've also been hearing a lot of people like. Fellow queer people from Idaho in my comments being like, oh, it's not that bad. You're being dramatic and all this and that. And I'm like, you live here, you mean? I'm like, it's right. You enjoyed your rights not being there. Yeah, that's fine. But, but also I, I think it's a whole nother layer. Like I queer people. Mm-hmm. Gays, lesbians don't. Yeah. There's a difference in being trans. Yeah. You know, there are some queer folks that are more non-binary appearing or. Look like something's going on, so they might deal with crap, but for the most part, they're not dealing with all the layers because we kind, we feel that transphobia and discrimination and bias within our own community. Yeah. You know what I mean? So it's like even the safe places, the gay bars, the gay AA meetings, the like whatever, they're really not for us. Yeah. You know? And so, but we have to kind of make it work. You know what I mean? And so I think there's that extra layer that like, yeah, if I had gay bars to go to and gay clubs and things to do, then why would I go? But there's, there's just not, there's a disconnect in that right now that I think some people just aren't understanding. Yeah. And I lived as a fag for a while. First, I was a gay boy for like 40 years, so I, I was not the great. Pissed. I had my own internalized transphobia and Oh yeah. And things going on, and I don't want to put that onto all other gay and lesbian people, but I know that was a lot of my own experience and I had my own issues of being called a sissy and a girl. You're too girly and goof. And trying to like fight that perception and be like, no, I'm a dude who likes dudes. I'm not a dude that wants to be a girl. You know? And then like then kind of get into the point, well, I can be a dude and like wear a skirt and be a bearded lady. And like, yeah. And then it's like. Bitch. Yeah. You're pro. Yeah, you're trans. Now. Just own in, go through it, you know? Mm-hmm. And it's been a journey, but because of where I was at, right? I did my best to try to like see trans people and understand trans people and be an ally. And in a lot of ways I was, but in a lot of ways I just was so blind, I was so unable to really see that they were having a vastly different experience than I was. And I did, I had no concept for it until I started to live into it. Right. So I don't really blame people. Um, it's their privilege and that's what privilege is, right? Yep. Yeah. It's a lot of privilege, especially now lot, it takes a lot of fucking privilege to be able to tell someone it's not that bad, but it's never, it never goes over Well, if you're like, if you tell them that, yeah. Like, oh, that's your privilege showing, and then you're just like, okay, here comes this whole ass meltdown. Right. Well, it's, it's the, the white people kind of thing. Exactly. Yeah. Like privilege is a. It's a bad word or a like, it's a, um. Mm-hmm. It's a, I mean, it's just the truth. We all have privilege at some point in time. Of course, in certain settings and certain environments. We have certain privilege. There's pretty privilege, there's racial privilege, there's age, privilege, there's all these different sorts of things depending on where you're at. And that's just what it is. Yeah. And you can either recognize that or feel some sort of way about it. Mm-hmm. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. I just think that that privilege could be used in more effective ways than, you know, bringing people down that are going through it. You know, like people with privilege could be phenomenal allies if they want to. Maybe we should, you know, ally harness that privilege in other ways. Yeah. Ally allies, ally, so, yeah. Yeah. Yes. Well, that's good. I know, I think feeling like that's an episode. Is there anything else you would like to say or talk about? Do you have questions about anything or that you Not really, no. Um, can folks still help you out? Like, are you still in need? Yeah. Uh, just like really looking for connections right now. Kind of just trying to find somewhere to go. So that's the biggest struggle right now. Awesome. So, okay. So you haven't necessarily found like a city or an area that you go, not a definite yet. So you're pretty open. Yeah. It's really just the right. Oregon or Washington. Right. And then the right opportunity. Yeah. Um, okay. Well, we'll definitely like include your, uh, contact, like through TikTok, probably the best way or Yeah, just my TikTok. Okay. Um, I, all my links are there. Yeah. I'll put all your links in the description of stuff. So folks wanna get a hold of pasture, um, and stay connected and follow your journey. Um, they can check it out there. Totally. And I wish you and your wife and your baby to be a wonderful journey. Thank you so much and help you stay in touch. It's really great. Good to meet y'all. Yeah, absolutely. And we keep looking over there'cause Jordan's off camera, but um Yeah. But that's why we're looking so it's really great that you're all here with us today. Yeah. Yes. Thank you for having us. Of course. Yeah. You're gonna have to let us know how it all goes'cause I'm really interested in the whole process. Very much. And it's gonna be great. Thank you. To be somewhere else. We're pretty excited. I'm, I'm rooting for Washington for y'all just because I, it seems like same, just like the sanctuary cities. I think like if you have the opportunity to go to a sanctuary city, like that's what I would want to do. Probably just to be like, I am in the bluest. Yeah. The dot the state. Yeah. Can't touch those. Absolutely. When your transness isn't a thing and you can be. Challenge with just being a father. Yeah, exactly. That's a job in and of itself, like, you know, and that's exciting and awesome, but yes, it takes a lot to do, you know? Exactly. So, um, yeah, sometimes we have to. Yeah. I'm just so happy for you. I wish you guys the best. Thank you so much. And, uh, when this is on, when you can actually watch this, tomorrow will be the Trans Joy Cafe. It's gonna be from 12 to four at. 6,200 Garrett Street and it's gonna be barbecue and hot luck and games. It's gonna be resource fair. We're gonna have a lot of folks there with different resources that we need. And like my partner's gonna be there again doing chair massage, all sorts of stuff. It's fun. Which is great. I know. I don't let no one touch massage. I'm like that person and I took a picture of them, a massage. No, they were, you're both like so. White. White. And we were both getting so red and I was like, oh shit. Because we're like out on the side, like, oh, just like red, red. Yeah. So it'll be a really good time and I hope that if you can make it, that you come down and see us. Yeah, it's free. There's food, there's bevy. If you wanna sign up to bring some food, that's cute. But you don't have to, if you're a vendor who wants like a resource, a person who can provide a resource, hit us up. We have a little link on our stuff that you can sign up for if you wanna. Run a volleyball game or mm-hmm. Do something just, just, you know, like this is basically family coming together, so it's like whatever people want to contribute. Mm-hmm. That's so cool. Contribute. Yeah. We do it once a month too. Oh, cool. Yeah. Yeah. That'll be fun. Okay. I think that's it. Bye bitches. All right. See you next week.